By Mwaba Mutale

EVELYN HONE GIRLS:

Most of them are Copperbelt originated but want to behave like they are supper stars when they get to Lusaka . They love hanging around malls doing nothing. You speak to her in Bemba then she will think you are also from Kitwe or Ndola. you buy her a beer and she will let you in her bed. Don’t try to run away after a 1 night stand or they will hunt you down like C5 searching for a criminal. They are the ones who post married men on Zed Ule or Zed irresponsible fathers once the blesser meets Jesus and stops visiting her or once the blesser gets a more refined Lusaka chick and dumps her for greener pastures. They have terrible guts as if they are all born of bemba mothers. Invite one for a drink they show up 55 with the entire grassroots committee of her fellow bandits.

NIPAGIRLS: A.K.A Satan’s Nieces

You just signed your own death warrant playing with these ones. NIPA is like the COMESA AND SADC STOCK Exchange For bandits. They seem to have lazor sensitive X-ray eyes that can scan wallets and miraculously tell if a man is worth getting wet for or he is just a kapususu. They mean business. If you don’t have money, better go to church brother. They can make you sacrifice your mom or make you join a cult to get money to support them. They have the most expensive phones and hair yet they don’t work. They love to move around with huge handbags 👜 like ladies at a kitchen party that contain only a puff, a small broken mirror, wipes and perfume. They can make you feel special. They are trained sexual mafia’s and have been known to make husbands divorce their wives. They are the cream-dela-cream of Whoredom in Zambia

NORTECH GIRLS: Bakamushi

These ones are villagers and Tomboys mostly doing funny male courses like mechanics and electrical engineering . Not too difficult to get into bed (2 Macs cool or Vanilla biscuit with milkit let’s her drop off her huge wrestling type of kneakers quick (they know nothing about thongs and Gstring). They are faithful. You vibe her in Nyanja, she instantly loves you and thinks you will take her back to lusaka with you. buy her a perfume, continue vibing her in Nyanja,

take her out on Sunday to a Church then she will let you taste her holy places. They make good and stable wives. Don’t forget to take her a blue work-suit and boots with steel toes on her birthday

UNZA GIRLS:

Mr Idiot you just screwed yourself because of your desire to marry a degree holder. Unza girls look innocent 😇 but you just discovered the fountain of silent burners and skilled shushushu like dangerous bandits. Most of them are between 6 to 10 points so they are smart. They don’t do their prostitution openly. They are like cats. You can never see cats mating openly, yet their population is ever increasing. Unza girls are smart do ubu ule underground and only date PF cadres, Ministers, lawyers, lecturers, mukula tree dealers or anyone with serious cash. They arrive in first year very innocent and virgins especially if they came from catholic missionary schools like Ibenga, Fatima, St Mary’s, Lwitikila, Caritas Convent or any other school. They usually do well in first year, but by the time they are reaching third year, they have a PHD in handling dicks (of all sizes, shapes and color). They are not for small boys. The worst bandits are those in boarding houses

ZCAS GIRLS: MWANA MAYADI

I don’t even know how to describe these coz they confuse me. My brothers for this one if You want to climb the walls of Jerico, Just tell her that you are back from UK or USA and that you are a porn actor and that You can paint her better than Iris Kaingu , she will let you sing Kumbaya in her bed immediately but make sure you look up as she tapes you. these girls always have cameras, you may appear in the next Zambian porn movie. Most of them grow up with rich strict parents. The only man they see in months in the garden boy and security guard. They wana be naughty but dad is too strict. So at the first chance of freedom, these hungry ladies will jump on any stick (circumcised or uncircumcised they don’t care)

RUSANGU GIRLS UNIVERSITY (Horny Thugs hiding in Christianity):

just tell her that you are a bouncer at East Point disco 💃 tech and she will want some adventure to her boring life ! Or tell her you are a son 2 an SDA elder or intend to become a Pastor and that she is the one you saw in your dream a day b4; you will be swimming in her sweet bosom in no time. If you want her to tell her friends about you, tell her you support HH and intend to contest in 2021 on the UPND ticket. Don’t argue about Zambian Watchdog with her or the relationship is over!! Don’t forget to send her voice notes in Tonga if you know what’s good for you

UNILUS/ZIBC/ZIBSIP GIRLS:

Just vibe her in English, Practice that style called ekse then call her your ghee and honey, take her to Arcades or Levy for a movie and in 9 months you will be having triplets. DONT FORGET TO TELL HER YOU SKEEM YOU FEEL HER LAKA

CBU GIRLS: Good Girls Trying to Go bad:

Be a Jerabo and you have her in seconds. If not show her your muscles 💪. On the Copperbelt having muscles is more important than a masters degre. Also Promise her you’ll take her to Mukuba Mall, the Dubai and heaven on Earth 🌏 for the Copperbelt people. Just the word Mukuba mall makes these girls salivate for you. Also promise to Invest in her father’s taxi business promising to either buy him a Noah or a Spacio as Part of lobola. If you can manage to print a fake Mopani Mines or KCM ID I can assure you that you will sleep with more girls than King Solomon pa CBU

NRDC GIRLS:

Simple Buy for her a hoe, get her some seedlings then tell her you own a snake farm and she will ask you to show her your snake in the bed.

LIBTECH GIRLS:

Vibe her in English, she won’t get a word, vibe her in Lozi or Tonga, she will pretend she didn’t hear you then just begin massaging her and she will begin saying “aah nikalimwana” as she leads your hands too her places…

NURSING SCHOOL GIRLS:

Just Appear at her hostel door while holding a basket-ball. Just bounce it up and pretend you have an injury and you want to rest, she will let you into her bed asap. Also don’t forget to carry a parcel from Shoprite or Pick and Pay every time you visit her or if you show up empty handed she will pretend to be going to the ward to visit patients. They are very cute girls, JUST LIKE THE DEVIL 😁😁😁😁

ST DMI/CAVENDISH/ZAMIM :

These ones are simple just come while driving your-self, even if it’s a pick up or borrowed car no problem make sure u know how to greet “what’s up baby,fancy a ride” but expect the unexpected because these chicks are always expensive. so they may look humble but after a few months of dating, they can make you donate your rentals, or make you want to sell your kidney to support her expensive habits. If you want to one day have to sell one testicle to sustain her, Go ahead my brother

TOURISM COLLEGE GIRLS: Haaaa these ones are groupies so am not sure, let me first research. the last time one of my comrades vibed one of them,she brought all her friends into the bed with her and he fainted because of over-working. I will get back to you on these

LILAYI POLICE COLLEGE GIRLS:

Just smear yourself with diesel, begin speaking anything like “ koma boma iziba kunsaka mwee” then buy her second hand lotion or Vaseline, and a 50 kg bag of brown powder, she will stick to you for life and will let you in bed by force. Try to cheat she will end your life. Don’t forget to buy her red-oxide (Mwandaba) for her verandah when visiting her. You go for this one, 98% chance you will be a step father to a baby daddy you will never see in your life (probably her instructor or Station commander)
So what’s my choice? Well how about I tell you the answer when HH wins elections 😎😎😎

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